Monday, June 20, 2011

Learning to Cope.

I made a choice. It wasn't the easiest choice, and there are days I regret it. When you are a parent your job becomes to put that little life you created first until the time comes when they don't need you. I will never understand those of us who just don't get that. When faced with the toughest decision I've ever made. My Child won hands down.

In September I had open heart surgery. I've known my whole life the surgery would come. I think a part of me knew in summer 2010 that it was getting down to the wire. I started researching the surgery, I started looking at my options. I found a great support board. When the cardiologist said he was referring me to a surgeon I looked at other people's stories. Some people waited a year or two. Some people went in right away.

As I researched the surgery, I also researched anything baby related. You see I was told I wouldn't have children. The Doctors always believed I would have this surgery at a much younger age. What they never told me was that I had the choice.

God gave me six extra years and a beautiful child. My body though told me my time for having children was near an end. If you have ever wanted a child then you will understand. For those who haven't tried, one day you will get it. I was ready for my second child. G was ready. Timing was right.

As I studied the surgery, I also studied conception. I scheduled an appointment to remove my birth control in august. I scheduled it hours after my cardiologist appointment. I just knew that this was my last year before the surgery. I hoped and prayed that it wasn't my last few months.

When the Cardiologist told me I was being referred to Duke, I gave up. I realized that my Valve was past the point of having children. I was shocked to get in so quickly. Sept 2 I was in Duke. When the Surgeon told me to pick a date in the next 6 weeks, My heart nearly stopped. He asked me what type of Valve I wanted.

Well G and I discussed it before hand. I had learned there were two primary types of valves. I won't spare you all the technical stuff, instead I will just say. Mechanical Valves will out live me and require that I take blood thinners the rest of my life. Tissue valves last about 10 years, but only a few months of drugs.

Tissue valve meant I could still have another child, but then I would have to have a second surgery. Although the risks of open heart surgery are pretty minimal, the fears are very real. A second surgery would have increased risks.

What my decision came down to is the Child I already have. Life is unpredictable, but I can do my best to make Life as good for him as I can. I decided that it just wasn't fair to ask my son to have to go through it again. I would rather be around for the child I have now, then to have two beautiful children and take the risks of the second surgery.

So now nine months later. I could be here cradling a new baby. Instead I am here dreaming. I struggle daily with my decision and constantly remind myself I did the best thing for the beautiful five year old I have now.

I hope that one day G and I will be on the same page. There are many options out there for us. But for now I feel infertile. I mourn the loss of the child that never was. I loathe the parents with beautiful children who just won't care for them. Its a bit crazy I know, but slowly the pain becomes tolerable. And one day, I will find what the Lord has in mind for me.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sleeping Child gets left in Taxi, Cabbie Nearly Gets Blamed

Here's the whole story if you wish to read it... Basically though, Cabbie picks up family from airport, drops them off at home unloads luggage and leaves with Child. Parents call station, Cabbie returns child (nearly right away) Everyone is safe. Cabbie gets a HUGE tip. Cabbie gets chewed out by local Police, people are wondering if Parents are being investigated

Why does anyone have to be investigated? Basically it was an accident. Everyone was busy, and the child was so quiet it slipped pass everyone. Story has a Happy ending. Why should anyone take blame? Why should the Police have to take action. The chances of that child being abducted are pretty slim. Most Childhood abductions are by a family member or close friend.

Who is next? The first time Dad who had to do the shopping this week because Mommy is sick and got all the groceries in and forgot the baby in the cart? He realized his mistake and turned around to get the baby before he even left the parking lot??
Yup let's slap him with Jail time.

The Mom with 3 children in the grocery store who's 3 year old has to use the bathroom, there are no family restroom so leaves the Oldest child and the baby outside the restroom....

*shakes head*