Learning to Cope.

I made a choice. It wasn't the easiest choice, and there are days I regret it. When you are a parent your job becomes to put that little life you created first until the time comes when they don't need you. I will never understand those of us who just don't get that. When faced with the toughest decision I've ever made. My Child won hands down.

In September I had open heart surgery. I've known my whole life the surgery would come. I think a part of me knew in summer 2010 that it was getting down to the wire. I started researching the surgery, I started looking at my options. I found a great support board. When the cardiologist said he was referring me to a surgeon I looked at other people's stories. Some people waited a year or two. Some people went in right away.

As I researched the surgery, I also researched anything baby related. You see I was told I wouldn't have children. The Doctors always believed I would have this surgery at a much younger age. What they never told me was that I had the choice.

God gave me six extra years and a beautiful child. My body though told me my time for having children was near an end. If you have ever wanted a child then you will understand. For those who haven't tried, one day you will get it. I was ready for my second child. G was ready. Timing was right.

As I studied the surgery, I also studied conception. I scheduled an appointment to remove my birth control in august. I scheduled it hours after my cardiologist appointment. I just knew that this was my last year before the surgery. I hoped and prayed that it wasn't my last few months.

When the Cardiologist told me I was being referred to Duke, I gave up. I realized that my Valve was past the point of having children. I was shocked to get in so quickly. Sept 2 I was in Duke. When the Surgeon told me to pick a date in the next 6 weeks, My heart nearly stopped. He asked me what type of Valve I wanted.

Well G and I discussed it before hand. I had learned there were two primary types of valves. I won't spare you all the technical stuff, instead I will just say. Mechanical Valves will out live me and require that I take blood thinners the rest of my life. Tissue valves last about 10 years, but only a few months of drugs.

Tissue valve meant I could still have another child, but then I would have to have a second surgery. Although the risks of open heart surgery are pretty minimal, the fears are very real. A second surgery would have increased risks.

What my decision came down to is the Child I already have. Life is unpredictable, but I can do my best to make Life as good for him as I can. I decided that it just wasn't fair to ask my son to have to go through it again. I would rather be around for the child I have now, then to have two beautiful children and take the risks of the second surgery.

So now nine months later. I could be here cradling a new baby. Instead I am here dreaming. I struggle daily with my decision and constantly remind myself I did the best thing for the beautiful five year old I have now.

I hope that one day G and I will be on the same page. There are many options out there for us. But for now I feel infertile. I mourn the loss of the child that never was. I loathe the parents with beautiful children who just won't care for them. Its a bit crazy I know, but slowly the pain becomes tolerable. And one day, I will find what the Lord has in mind for me.

Sleeping Child gets left in Taxi, Cabbie Nearly Gets Blamed

Here's the whole story if you wish to read it... Basically though, Cabbie picks up family from airport, drops them off at home unloads luggage and leaves with Child. Parents call station, Cabbie returns child (nearly right away) Everyone is safe. Cabbie gets a HUGE tip. Cabbie gets chewed out by local Police, people are wondering if Parents are being investigated

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090728/ap_on_re_us/us_child_left_in_cab

Why does anyone have to be investigated? Basically it was an accident. Everyone was busy, and the child was so quiet it slipped pass everyone. Story has a Happy ending. Why should anyone take blame? Why should the Police have to take action. The chances of that child being abducted are pretty slim. Most Childhood abductions are by a family member or close friend.

Who is next? The first time Dad who had to do the shopping this week because Mommy is sick and got all the groceries in and forgot the baby in the cart? He realized his mistake and turned around to get the baby before he even left the parking lot??
Yup let's slap him with Jail time.

The Mom with 3 children in the grocery store who's 3 year old has to use the bathroom, there are no family restroom so leaves the Oldest child and the baby outside the restroom....


*shakes head*

General Musings

I know I am making progress FLYing. My My Living room has yet to be out of control, my bathroom is looking pretty good (Other than the floor) My Bedroom is a bliss! The Spare room is usually ready for anyone who may come and play in it.

That is its self is nothing special until you consider the fact that I am still managing to do these things even though I am in the middle of a fibro flair. I am in a lot of pain for no reason, I am cranky, sleepy, Not sleeping very well. My routines that I am learning through FLYlady are making it easier on me to keep my home up regardless of how I am feeling. A month ago nothing would have been done on a day like today, or a week like this. But through the pain (and drugs really don't help) I still feel better about myself.

But Not all of the credit goes to FLYlady. My husband and I had a moment not too long ago. He was tired of the Chaos that was our home. The Chaos had lessened from what it was a year ago, but we really want to have a clean, uncluttered, happy home. I realized that to get what I needed I needed to change alot. I needed to seek routines, I needed to seek the Lord. Order and Cleanliness are not in my nature. I tend to hop from one activity to the next often leaving the remains of the last strung all over the place. I tend to keep myself busy and preoccupied.

I have been wanting to be a Living Example of Christ's work and I knew that with my unorganized home, and my unorganized life, I could never really be that. I dreamed of being able to whip out a casserole for a friend in need, or bringing someone here for a much needed prayer hour or even a Bible Study. I couldn't do that in our CHAOS.

So I prayed and I prayed for a solution and finally I remembered FLY lady. I tried it a while back but I wasn't truely ready. So I visited her, and suddenly everything was making sense. It wasn't just about changing my home, it was about changing my lifestyle and my routines. I prayed for the Lord to help me as I start it and that the changes would be used to Glorify Him.

So far 10 days into it, My home is better than ever. I am reading my Bible regularly, I, the queen of Randomocity, am keeping a few small basic routines. Its a long journey I am on, but I know its for the best!

Wisdom of a preschooler

Good Morning World!!

I am happily FLYing away this morning. I am dressed head to toe and I am feeling great!

I announced to J this morning after he was dropped off I would be making chocolate chip pancakes and my son looks at me and solemly says "Momma, Chocolate is Candy. Candy is not for breakfast"

Figures. It seems I have taught him a little too well.

*sighs*

I guess its time to teach this kiddo how to live a little more vicariously. An hour later and his pancake is still untouched. Oh well Lunch maybe?

Reflective Saturday

Bill said on Facebook this morning:

Another Day, How will we choose to live it? Looking at everything wrong around us or what is good?

I choose to look at what is good.

Here is the assignment

List 10 blessings/things that made you happy/positive things from the week past. You don't have to elaborate, just as long as you understand them.

If you want to help others out Tag 5 friends to do the same. you can do this assignment here, on facebook, on myspace, on twitter even, just do it.

10.Snorting Savannah
9.Cheese Dogs
8.Harry Potter
7.Sam
6.Linda
5.MawMaw
4.Possible Job for me
3.G's job
2.DH
1.Will

Tagging: Linda, Sarah, Christy, Bill, and Jo

Getting Control of my home

I am not used to routines and I am by no means a house keeper. However I do really want to my home to be a happy welcoming place that I can have guests over and serve them compliments of Southern Plate. It started with a few good recipes. Now that I know I can cook, and I enjoy it and word is getting out that I can cook I want to have people over. I want to share my cooking wealth with the world. But to do that I need to gain control of myself and my home.

So I have turned to FLY lady. FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself. This is something I have needed to do for years. I am on day three and my life is changing already. My dishwasher is now referred to as the dirty dish holder, I have been running it at night and emptying it first thing in the AM and my new Shiny Sink makes me proud and overprotective. If I jump down enough throats eventually they will figure out to put dishes in the dishwasher. For now they seem to go on the stove, which I empty two to three times a day (But that's OK, because its better than sitting in the sink forever).

Its a start. And although I backslid already this week (mini trip and Movie and just a lot going on) I feel loads better about myself and I found it easy to get back where I need to be.

If you haven't yet check out http://flylady.net It may change your life.

Now strictly for your entertainment purposes

Things I have learned this week

1. 4 kids 3 and under=bad idea.
2. If you cook it they will come... This applies to Toddlers, grown Men and ducks.
3. If you are going to see a movie in the theater, pre-screen everyone you bring with you with a test run before hand. If they can't be quiet for 10 minutes, You have two options: Be prepared to shoot or just don't bring them.
4. Movie Popcorn is marked up 400% but it is oooo so good.
5. Husbands tend to freak out when another woman sits next to them in a theater
6. If two cats have not been around each other in a month, don't try to put them in the same room
7. The best response to "I have a gun" is not "Me too"
8. When in a drive through fast food line, the appropriate response to "Can I take your order" Is not "They got a mouse in there"
9. the one-eyed duck is probably the toughest, Once you win him over you will never rid yourself of ducks and geese.
10. Don't waste your money on a 3 dollar grill that comes with the charcoal, you will need at least two of them.

Lesson's Learned from my Lord, and my 3 year old

My Testimony is living proof that the Lord enjoys his mysteries. I learned in Church that Mysteries are like secrets from God. When things are said, or when things happen and we don't understand it, God knows what is going on. The One who knows every hair on my head, has a reason for everything that we endure. His time is always right and we will never truly understand why things happen because we are unable to see the bigger plan and what is in store for us. These mysteries are revealed after the fact, Like an epiphany or when we have solved a puzzle or a riddle and all of the clues seem crystal to us now. Further proof of the Lord's mysteries. I come to NC for a summer, I wound up staying. Within a few months of me moving here I started going to church. Less than a year from my move I was saved. I am a completely different woman than the teenager who come down for a visit.

My Son has decided a few things. Most importantly. He is FOUR, not three. Or so he says. Children grow up so fast, I have no clue why my three year old is attempting to skip a year of his life. Maybe its because he misses Bible School and if it were next summer he could have another week of Bible School.

My Son has also decided he wants to wash cars for a living. I cleaned out two of the three vehicles yesterday. G then decided we needed to take both vehicles to the fire dept for a thorough vaccuum and wash. Will had a blast, instead of a regular Hose, they use a small fire hose, and my Son enjoyed trying to use it. He was soaked from head to toe, and even decided to hand wash the truck by dipping his hands in the soap and scrubbing the truck. After that He had to Hose Me and Daddy off. It was great seeing my husband laugh about it, I was a little unsure of how he would react. Will got water inside both vehicles too. I think its time to Call Papa and see if Will can help him wash some fire trucks (I want some pictures if that winds up happening)

If car washing is not his true calling He has choosen an alternitive. He is going to be a First name only Celebrity, as he keeps insisting that He does not have a last name. He will simply be known as Will. Maybe he will reach the Fame status of Cher or Prince. Well what ever his dreams are, I hope that he is Happy and Lives for the Lord regardless.

Speaking of the Lord, I heard the most beautiful, off Key, Loudest rendition of Jesus Loves Me yesterday curtesy of Will. It is really touching to here him singing songs we sing in Church and I try hard to get him to sing this. He knew every word. I am so proud of him!

Desprately Needed Monday Inspiration

I keep a 9 month old, 7 year old and 8 year old in the day. The 7 year old has had major mouthiness problems since he stayed with his grandmother for a week and a half. He also is very sly with my three year old and I find my three year old getting into a lot more trouble than should be. I know the 7 year old is initiating most of the things causing my son to be in trouble, but I have no evidence. Anyways its been a rough day already mostly because I feel awful, so rather than be ill with the children un necessarily, I decided to seek something to lift my spirits. I hope you too will enjoy!

My Excellent Family Dinner, and My Testimony.

Some of you know this, and rest of you are fixing to find out. I am from a whole notha planet! It definately explains alot. It explains why people do a double take when I talk and why some of the words I say are questionable around here. Some people don't think I should even be here and there are a few afraid to touch me in fear that they too will become what I am. Now that all of you are scratching your heads... Let me tell you where I am from. Lake Erie, Ohio. That's right I am a Yankee, and around here what is worse than being a Yankee, is being a Yankee who moved to the South. Its ok though, the Lord sent me here.

There are times I miss home. I miss my family, I miss my lake (I lived within 2 miles of Lake Erie most of my Childhood, Within 2 blocks probably half of my childhood.) Five years ago I thought I had my life planned. I was a senior in High School, accepted to a the University of my choice, my bf at the time (A southern Guy I met my One yr in High School spent in Carolina) Was going to come live with me while I finished my degree, and we talked about moving to NC when I was done, but I know in my heart I would stay and work on my Masters first. Things change quickly. Within a year we broke up and I remet my Husband. I come down to Carolina in the Summer between Freshman and Sophmore year, to get a close look at the school system and decide if I would teach there. I wound up dropping out of school and getting married and A baby on the Way by September.

Here I am 10 hours from Home, no turning back. It was hard. It wasn't just marriage and pregnancy I was adjusting to, but a whole new way of living.

Over the past four years, I have often times wondered how I got here. I have been so home sick that I stayed in bed for a week. I have cried countless tears because Momma wouldn't be there while I raised her only Grandchild.

Nothing against my husband, but I have often wondered what would happen to us if We divorced, or worse, if something happened to him while at work (He's a cop) I have often times debated if I would go home or continue my life here.

As hard as it has been I have been blessed in so many ways. Most of G's family accepted me and Now I am truely one of there own. I am closer to his Grandmother than I was with My own Mom before I moved. I feel like I am her daughter much of the time. His family bends over backwards to help each other. I am especially grateful for his Grandmother and Aunts, these three ladies Never once blinked an eye at me, they never forgot that my husband doesn't tell me about family events, family traditions, what goes on on the Holidays, etc. His aunts and Grandmother, always made sure to call me and tell me where to go, what to bring, and if I wasn't coming, they come got me.

More importantly. They got me in church. I was here 5 months before I started going to Church. It was almost a year before I was saved. His Family has prayed for me each step of the way, they have been there wach step of the way. Now I am leading others to Christ.

I am at the Point now, I know Why I am here. I know why I had to leave my family. I still get homesick, but I am more homesick for Heaven than anything. I still miss them thought.

I also wanted to start showing the family my appreciation for everything they have done for us in the last 4 years. A Few months ago, I came across Southern Plate. Christy has made things so easy for her readers. I have literally been transformed from a Microwave Chef, to fooling Southern Ladies with my Cooking skills.

I have been slowly Feeding our Grandmother, and she has been very much enjoying it. I have been enticing my Parent in laws with Strawberry Pie, and Mud Pie (Or as we call it Butt Ugly Cake)
Now I thought I was read to do a dinner. So I called up my Grandmother and the Two Aunts, and just like they have done to me so many times, I told them What time and Where and instructed them to be there. George's family is too large for me to attempt to feed everyone at once, so I will get the Parent's in Law and the 4 sisters, and nieces and nephews later.

I Got to cooking. I wound up fixing Taco Casserole, chicken and Broccoli Casserole, My first Ever home made Biscuits, and Chocolate Sundae Cake. (We also had a large Salad and corn)

Let me Say, there was absolutely no casserole or biscuits left over. Only a third of the cake remained. I cooked for 10 people. Half of us were crying while we ate.

I know that the Lord works in ways we will never understand. I don't know if I will ever Live with my yankee Family again. But I do know that I am as close to Home as I can get on Earth. Believe or Not, Christy has helped me get there!

Two for 1

This was actually supposed to be Friday's Steal.

Its a Freebie and I would value it at $200. Let me repeat TWO-HUNDRED DOLLAR VALUE!

Actually I don't know what the value is, but I looked at the current value of Microsoft office and you get pretty much everything you can get from office plus one better. You can save it to almost any kind of document format!

Its inspiring to know there are still free things out there and people that care enough to want you to suceed in life.

This is legitamately free. No Adware involved. Probably one of the best freebies out there. And its not like free music downloads it won't come back to bite you.

Ok so I know you are dying to know what I am talking about.

http://www.openoffice.org/

From thier webpage

OpenOffice.org 3 is the leading open-source office software suite for word processing, spreadsheets, presentations, graphics, databases and more. It is available in many languages and works on all common computers. It stores all your data in an international open standard format and can also read and write files from other common office software packages. It can be downloaded and used completely free of charge for any purpose.

If you are working on something at home and need it to open at school, all you have to do is safe it to a microsoft extension. Say its a paper you wrote. Just save it as a .doc file
If you can never remember what extension to use

Go here for a list of the most commonly used ones

http://www.fileinfo.com/common.php

Or you can do what I do, and look at a file you know is a word document and get the extension that way!

So What are you waiting for, Go Check it out and feel good about yourself that you just got a $200 value free.

Little Things

I am up later than I should be.

There is a lot on my mind right now.

In a meeting on completely unrelated matters, my son was attacked. Accusations were made about my three year old son, that neither he nor I could defend. We were not there. I have been told by two different people at that meeting and both stories are oddly identical on several key pieces of information involving my son.

In as little as two days I have learned so many things. Things I did not want to see, things I did not want to be apart of. I have always been a person that lets things roll off of my shoulders. Anytime a person has come to me, with any problem, regardless of size, I have consistantly and quietly listened to what the person had to say, fixed the problem and forgot about it. I don't let very much get to me when it involves people that are not close to me.

I am disappointed in the person that made the allegations against my three year old. This particular person I would expect to come to me with them. Allow me to deal with them. Instead they are trashing My SON. In front of others. Transforming small three year old behaviors into that of a monster. Making my son appear like an animal for things that this persons own son does.
I have been torn to pieces about this.

However tonight, an unknowing angel blessed me. I recieved a small message from a friend's husband on Myspace, thanking me for helping to care for the children. It was completly out of the blue and led me to tears. This small gesture gave me hope. It put a smile on my face.

This Late night blog serves two purposes:
1. For me to get out a few things on my chest (which I deleted most of it after writing of it)
2. To remind anyone who may read this that Small gestures make a big difference in life. You truely never know when a quick hello, thank you, hug, how are you, etc. is going to make a big impact.

My family and I have some thinking to do. Our problem is not yet resolved. We also have some looking to do because I refuse to be caught anywhere that my child in unwelcome. The comments that were made show me exactly how unwelcome he is. Regardless of how dark the storm is right now though, I know my God is going to make a way. The Thank You note was a sign to me, a reminder that there are other better things going on in this big world. Like the three beautiful children I will be keeping tomorrow.

Parenting Puzzle of the day: Don't=too late

Problem: My children do exactly the thing I told them not to do!

This is a common problem with a simple sounding solution. I say it is simple sounding, because once you think on it enough it seems like common sense and it appears easy to do. Sadly though, Habits are hard to break.

The cause of this problem is our wording. Most of us always tell them no. To use an example from my own life this week. "Will Please don't run in the Church." All my son hears is the Key Words:Will run Church.

When we read, most of us do not actually read every single written word. What we tend to do is pick up the key words and the rest falls in place. This is true with our children. When you tell them not to run. They simply hear RUN!

Every three year old boy and girl knows that the long hallway just outside of the sanctuary is just begging for someone to run down it.

When children hear adults using the same words that they are already thinking. Its natural to link them. So when my three year old is looking at the big long empty hallway, just knowing that it WANTS him to run down it, and I say "Will Please don't run." He just heard his permission to run.

What I should have said instead was "Will, we walk in Church." I did this after telling him not to run, rather than yelling at him for running. Even I have a hard time remembering to rephrase for him. Once I instructed him what TO-DO, I gave him a new thought in his head. He slowed down and waited on me.

It is difficult to change our habits. It takes a conscious effort on our behalf to rewire our thinking, in a way that enables our children to listen. Children want to please us, they just have other things on thier mind as well.

What are some other things you say that you could reword?

Don't pee in your underwear .
We pee in the toilet.

Stop jumping on the couch.
Please sit on the couch, or you can jump on the floor.

Shut Up!
Use our quiet voices outside.

There are other reasons our Children don't listen to us, but that is for another day. Right now let's focus on one thing we can do to help the problem! Try this for a day and report back how it went.

Real inspiration for the day.

Treasure the little happy moments. You will desprately need them when you are cleaning up the second pair of poopy underwear in an hour, from a child who is not afraid to go, knows how to go, has gone, and just was too busy to go. If you do not have something to think back on, some happy sweet little moment, you will find yourself crossing a line you do not want to cross.

Monday's Inspiration

I honestly believe that every time we laugh we add time to our lives! So this monday I would like to give you a few things to make you laugh, and hopefully extend your life!

Friday's Steal

Todays Steal is a free program that helps you in studying the Bible.

Here is a short description from the Manufacturer's Webpage

e-Sword is a fast and effective way to study the Bible. e-Sword is feature rich and user friendly with more capabilities than you would expect in a free software package. The fact that e-Sword is free is just one of the blessings and does not speak of the quality of the software

I have been using this program lately and I really like it. It is easy to use. I can download some extras with it (Most of which are also free, Watch out though, if there is a $ sign next to it, there is a charge, but otherwise most of the extra downloads are free.

My two favorite features are the ability to include your own notes and link them to the text in the Bible and the ability to add your own memory scripture to be tested on!

www.e-sword.net

Sicilian Casserole

I am working on getting back online to write more. I have a lot of great ideas for entries. I have just been a little busy!

Don't ask me where I found this. I found it somewhere online it is amazing, freezes well, and tastes excellent! I made it last night for the first time, and already found myself changing it up, so I am going to give you the Brittainy version of it.

1 lb. ground beef
1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste
1 (8 ounce) can tomato sauce
3/4 cup water
Italian seasoning-to taste
Garlic Powder-to taste
2 cups elbow macaroni
8 oz. pkg. cream cheese, cubed
3/4 cup milk
1/3 cup sour cream
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Also optional veggies such as onion, mushroom, greenpeppers. But I don't like them (I bet George would have been shouting my glory if I did use it though he loves them!)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brown ground beef heavy saucepan, stirring to break up ground beef (If you want onions I would brown them at the same time. Drain well.

Add tomato paste, tomato sauce, water, Garlic and Italian seasoning and stir well to blend. (add your other veggies if you want them) Let simmer for 10 minutes to blend flavors.

Meanwhile, cook elbow macaroni as directed on package.

While macaroni is cooking, combine cream cheese and milk in medium bowl. Cook in microwave on medium power for 2-3 minutes, stirring once halfway through cooking. Remove from microwave and stir with wire whisk until sauce thickens and blends to form a smooth sauce.

Drain noodles and add to cream cheese sauce along with sour cream and 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese; stir to combine.

In a square baking dish, place all of cream cheese mixture. Top with all of the ground beef mixture Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.
Add Mozerella and Parmesan cheese to taste
Bake another 5-10 minutes until Bubbly

If you wish to freeze this dish, add 1T of cornstarch into your cream cheese and milk (Before you mix it with the noodles)

Easy Leftover Chili Cheese smokies!

My 20 minute lunch!

You will need:

1 box of your favorite mac and cheese (I prefer Kraft Deluxe or Velveeta for this recipe)
Leftover Chili (Or a small can)
Leftover Corn
Little Smokies

Cook mac and cheese, cook Smokies... Reheat corn and Chili....

Mix all ingrediants!

Completely not sure what to do here...

We are desperately trying to Potty Train Will. He refuses to poop in the toilet though. Completely stubborn.
I can sit him on the toilet every 15 minutes and still he will go in his underwear. He will Pee, won't poop. When I ask him where we are supposed to Poop, he tells me in the Potty. He can re-iterate but he still just don't do it.

Finally after weeks of desperation, I called Momma crying. I just don't know what to do. She said if he is able to tell me where to go, and has been using the bathroom, maybe its time to start punishing him for pooping in his underwear. I tried it.

Now he is afraid to tell me when when he has an accident. We just asked him if he had to go and he completely started freaking out on us. I had to drag him in there. Turns out he pooped.

I am completely lost as to what I should do, and now I feel awful.

Just Another Day in Paradise

Well its 11 am. I couldn't fall asleep last night until after 2 and then from 2-7 I was up and down all night coughing- No Hacking out a lung. At 7 when my now 3 year old woke up I gave up trying to sleep. Something good came out of it. He told me he had to potty (That is a BIG thing for us) About 9:00 my husband couldn't sleep anymore so he stayed up with will and let me have a nap. Now its 11, we've all eaten, George is on the Xbox. Will is racing cars on his Hot Wheels track. The Cat is attacking the cars (She also left me some wrapping paper in the hallway for a present). None of us are dressed. Just another day in Paradise here. Its nice just to relax and be us for a while.