I made a choice. It wasn't the easiest choice, and there are days I regret it. When you are a parent your job becomes to put that little life you created first until the time comes when they don't need you. I will never understand those of us who just don't get that. When faced with the toughest decision I've ever made. My Child won hands down.
In September I had open heart surgery. I've known my whole life the surgery would come. I think a part of me knew in summer 2010 that it was getting down to the wire. I started researching the surgery, I started looking at my options. I found a great support board. When the cardiologist said he was referring me to a surgeon I looked at other people's stories. Some people waited a year or two. Some people went in right away.
As I researched the surgery, I also researched anything baby related. You see I was told I wouldn't have children. The Doctors always believed I would have this surgery at a much younger age. What they never told me was that I had the choice.
God gave me six extra years and a beautiful child. My body though told me my time for having children was near an end. If you have ever wanted a child then you will understand. For those who haven't tried, one day you will get it. I was ready for my second child. G was ready. Timing was right.
As I studied the surgery, I also studied conception. I scheduled an appointment to remove my birth control in august. I scheduled it hours after my cardiologist appointment. I just knew that this was my last year before the surgery. I hoped and prayed that it wasn't my last few months.
When the Cardiologist told me I was being referred to Duke, I gave up. I realized that my Valve was past the point of having children. I was shocked to get in so quickly. Sept 2 I was in Duke. When the Surgeon told me to pick a date in the next 6 weeks, My heart nearly stopped. He asked me what type of Valve I wanted.
Well G and I discussed it before hand. I had learned there were two primary types of valves. I won't spare you all the technical stuff, instead I will just say. Mechanical Valves will out live me and require that I take blood thinners the rest of my life. Tissue valves last about 10 years, but only a few months of drugs.
Tissue valve meant I could still have another child, but then I would have to have a second surgery. Although the risks of open heart surgery are pretty minimal, the fears are very real. A second surgery would have increased risks.
What my decision came down to is the Child I already have. Life is unpredictable, but I can do my best to make Life as good for him as I can. I decided that it just wasn't fair to ask my son to have to go through it again. I would rather be around for the child I have now, then to have two beautiful children and take the risks of the second surgery.
So now nine months later. I could be here cradling a new baby. Instead I am here dreaming. I struggle daily with my decision and constantly remind myself I did the best thing for the beautiful five year old I have now.
I hope that one day G and I will be on the same page. There are many options out there for us. But for now I feel infertile. I mourn the loss of the child that never was. I loathe the parents with beautiful children who just won't care for them. Its a bit crazy I know, but slowly the pain becomes tolerable. And one day, I will find what the Lord has in mind for me.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Monday, June 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Parenting Puzzle of the day: Don't=too late
Problem: My children do exactly the thing I told them not to do!
This is a common problem with a simple sounding solution. I say it is simple sounding, because once you think on it enough it seems like common sense and it appears easy to do. Sadly though, Habits are hard to break.
The cause of this problem is our wording. Most of us always tell them no. To use an example from my own life this week. "Will Please don't run in the Church." All my son hears is the Key Words:Will run Church.
When we read, most of us do not actually read every single written word. What we tend to do is pick up the key words and the rest falls in place. This is true with our children. When you tell them not to run. They simply hear RUN!
Every three year old boy and girl knows that the long hallway just outside of the sanctuary is just begging for someone to run down it.
When children hear adults using the same words that they are already thinking. Its natural to link them. So when my three year old is looking at the big long empty hallway, just knowing that it WANTS him to run down it, and I say "Will Please don't run." He just heard his permission to run.
What I should have said instead was "Will, we walk in Church." I did this after telling him not to run, rather than yelling at him for running. Even I have a hard time remembering to rephrase for him. Once I instructed him what TO-DO, I gave him a new thought in his head. He slowed down and waited on me.
It is difficult to change our habits. It takes a conscious effort on our behalf to rewire our thinking, in a way that enables our children to listen. Children want to please us, they just have other things on thier mind as well.
What are some other things you say that you could reword?
Don't pee in your underwear .
We pee in the toilet.
Stop jumping on the couch.
Please sit on the couch, or you can jump on the floor.
Shut Up!
Use our quiet voices outside.
There are other reasons our Children don't listen to us, but that is for another day. Right now let's focus on one thing we can do to help the problem! Try this for a day and report back how it went.
This is a common problem with a simple sounding solution. I say it is simple sounding, because once you think on it enough it seems like common sense and it appears easy to do. Sadly though, Habits are hard to break.
The cause of this problem is our wording. Most of us always tell them no. To use an example from my own life this week. "Will Please don't run in the Church." All my son hears is the Key Words:Will run Church.
When we read, most of us do not actually read every single written word. What we tend to do is pick up the key words and the rest falls in place. This is true with our children. When you tell them not to run. They simply hear RUN!
Every three year old boy and girl knows that the long hallway just outside of the sanctuary is just begging for someone to run down it.
When children hear adults using the same words that they are already thinking. Its natural to link them. So when my three year old is looking at the big long empty hallway, just knowing that it WANTS him to run down it, and I say "Will Please don't run." He just heard his permission to run.
What I should have said instead was "Will, we walk in Church." I did this after telling him not to run, rather than yelling at him for running. Even I have a hard time remembering to rephrase for him. Once I instructed him what TO-DO, I gave him a new thought in his head. He slowed down and waited on me.
It is difficult to change our habits. It takes a conscious effort on our behalf to rewire our thinking, in a way that enables our children to listen. Children want to please us, they just have other things on thier mind as well.
What are some other things you say that you could reword?
Don't pee in your underwear .
We pee in the toilet.
Stop jumping on the couch.
Please sit on the couch, or you can jump on the floor.
Shut Up!
Use our quiet voices outside.
There are other reasons our Children don't listen to us, but that is for another day. Right now let's focus on one thing we can do to help the problem! Try this for a day and report back how it went.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
No TV
Cutting the TV off from my son daily is not an easy thing to do! I love him dearly, but I think a 3 year old should spend more time playing then on the TV. I am thinking that once G, goes back to work Wednesday, there will be no TV at all in the house until my son can handle the responsiblity of playing. I do play with him, but he thinks if the TV is not on I am to play with him 100% of the time and that is not the case.
*Sighs* I wish he had some body to play with.
Any tips?
*Sighs* I wish he had some body to play with.
Any tips?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
What I am learning about Imagination, play, and problem solving
As an early Childhood student, I know all about the importance of play. It has been continually drilled in me since day one. (Something I assure you I am eternally grateful to my instructors for) I am able to take any activity a child might do and spout out several concepts a child might be learning. However, reading and hearing something is completely different than experiencing it first hand.
I have heard many a tale about growing up outside, with very few toys and having to entertain yourself. In fact Daddy locked us out of the house. While I mostly read on the porch my two brothers played throughout the neighborhood. You had to use your imaginations to be entertained. The bat you had became a million other things. There were always new games to learn and new rules attached to old games.
Now take a walk into the toy section of your local Walmart, target, or any place that has toys. You will find so many specialized toys. Most of the toys serve one purpose, to limit the imaginations of our children. The toys are stemmed from TV shows mostly or they have one specific use. Even though there are many educational toys out there, how many ways can you use it? Almost everything requires batteries and those that don't are rarely touched. When you are done with that go to the stationary, office or Art area of the store. There you will find coloring books that all you do is use one marker and it colors the page for you.
While those coloring books are great for the times we are out and I don't need to haul 10 markers with 10 caps, or I don't need to worry about him coloring on the chair at the doctor's office. I know several parents that restrict their children's art solely to those. In what way is that encouraging your child to imagine? What masterpiece will your child possibly create? Instead you will gain a picture that is just like 10 million others out there.
I remember watching my brother draw growing up (and he was a good artist) Many times he had just a pencil and paper (remember we were locked outside most of the day) He learned to use different shades of grey to color his pictures. What he really did was learn to be crafty and resourceful. Or, if you want to look at the bigger picture, PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS.
I have been interning with a local preschool program this semester. In the 3 short months I have worked in the 3 year old class I have been regularly amazed by the advances and discoveries the children have made through playing. One such example, playing with bristle blocks the children have created glasses, people, dogs, rabbits, cars, trains, hammers and drills.
Yes, they still make houses, but they took something very basic and found new interesting ways to use it. Out of the class there are really a few that can do it, the rest imitate the new ways to use the same toy. In fact the same child who showed me the glasses, went on to show me the rabbit. Watching the other children imitate the first and play in new ways shows me that these children WANT to try different things. They don't want to play the same way with the same thing every day. Back to the toys in the store, most of the toys do not encourage this.
Sadly, what many of today's children are starting to lack is problem solving skills. They are used to everything being done for them, used to playing with everything a certain way. It does not seem like an issue now, however the longer they go the more apparent it will be that they lack these skills.
Even many young adults in my generation suffer the same problem for the same reasons. When money is tight most of my generation will resort to the dollar menu or hamburger helper regularly. While I do this from time to time, I also have learned how to create meals from things in my cupboard, and to take a few cheap ingredients and create delicious dinners.
So what is the point of all this? This week is the week of the Young child. It is also National Turn off week. So let's encourage our children's imaginations, and develop thier problem solving skills by trying some of these things:
Turn off the Tube
I have heard many a tale about growing up outside, with very few toys and having to entertain yourself. In fact Daddy locked us out of the house. While I mostly read on the porch my two brothers played throughout the neighborhood. You had to use your imaginations to be entertained. The bat you had became a million other things. There were always new games to learn and new rules attached to old games.
Now take a walk into the toy section of your local Walmart, target, or any place that has toys. You will find so many specialized toys. Most of the toys serve one purpose, to limit the imaginations of our children. The toys are stemmed from TV shows mostly or they have one specific use. Even though there are many educational toys out there, how many ways can you use it? Almost everything requires batteries and those that don't are rarely touched. When you are done with that go to the stationary, office or Art area of the store. There you will find coloring books that all you do is use one marker and it colors the page for you.
While those coloring books are great for the times we are out and I don't need to haul 10 markers with 10 caps, or I don't need to worry about him coloring on the chair at the doctor's office. I know several parents that restrict their children's art solely to those. In what way is that encouraging your child to imagine? What masterpiece will your child possibly create? Instead you will gain a picture that is just like 10 million others out there.
I remember watching my brother draw growing up (and he was a good artist) Many times he had just a pencil and paper (remember we were locked outside most of the day) He learned to use different shades of grey to color his pictures. What he really did was learn to be crafty and resourceful. Or, if you want to look at the bigger picture, PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS.
I have been interning with a local preschool program this semester. In the 3 short months I have worked in the 3 year old class I have been regularly amazed by the advances and discoveries the children have made through playing. One such example, playing with bristle blocks the children have created glasses, people, dogs, rabbits, cars, trains, hammers and drills.
Yes, they still make houses, but they took something very basic and found new interesting ways to use it. Out of the class there are really a few that can do it, the rest imitate the new ways to use the same toy. In fact the same child who showed me the glasses, went on to show me the rabbit. Watching the other children imitate the first and play in new ways shows me that these children WANT to try different things. They don't want to play the same way with the same thing every day. Back to the toys in the store, most of the toys do not encourage this.
Sadly, what many of today's children are starting to lack is problem solving skills. They are used to everything being done for them, used to playing with everything a certain way. It does not seem like an issue now, however the longer they go the more apparent it will be that they lack these skills.
Even many young adults in my generation suffer the same problem for the same reasons. When money is tight most of my generation will resort to the dollar menu or hamburger helper regularly. While I do this from time to time, I also have learned how to create meals from things in my cupboard, and to take a few cheap ingredients and create delicious dinners.
So what is the point of all this? This week is the week of the Young child. It is also National Turn off week. So let's encourage our children's imaginations, and develop thier problem solving skills by trying some of these things:
Turn off the Tube
- Purchase basic toys for your children (keep a few in stock for birthdays too)
- Find new ways to play with the toys we have
- Play with your child
- Take some of the old newspaper and turn it into a hat, kite, or boat.
- Play a game (I will be posting on the importance of games soon)
Post some of your other suggestions here as well!
Check out some of these resources for more information
Monday, April 20, 2009
Parenthood continues to be the most exhausting, dramatic, tiring, slaving, painful, rewarding experience of my life.
A perfect example is something I wrote a year and a half ago (thus making my son 1 1/2 yrs at the time)
Nothing changes lifes as often and as well as parenting. You go from being a unique individual with likes, dislikes, a sense of style, a taste for fine cuisine (however you may define it), the ability to sleep in all day. You also can call your heart your own. When you become a parent, that all changes in ways unimaginanble. Your vocabulary even changes. The older your child gets the more you find yourself baffled by the mysteries of life. It used to be the biggest mystery in your life was who would be the next American Idol. Now there are even bigger, stranger mysteries. My son is little still. He's a year and a half and I know I have a lot more to learn. My vocabulary consists of: No, let's go Bye-Bye, Where is your cup?, Turn the TV off, Stay away from Dog food, did you stink?, I love you, Give kisses. I expected these, what I did not realize is that "Why, How? Should I even ask?" Would become a regular part of my vocabulary.
This morning, when I greet my smiling son in the crib. He has on a sweater, stretch pants, socks and sandles. Does anyone care to guess who had him last night? Yes, My husband. When he brought my son to the store to visit me, all he was wearing was a diaper and a t-shirt, yet now he is fully dressed and wearing SOCKS AND SANDLES. when I ask why, my husband simply replied, that he had to have them. This is a great example of Toddlerhood for any new parents. This is a world that your child is the sultan of. Its a big giant game that only your toddler knows the rules of and yes they change all the time. Some days he insists on being fully dressed, somedays he wants the blue shoes, other days the green. Somedays he won't wear any at all.
I get over the whole socks and sandles. Later after I have dropped my son off and come home to grab my insurance card, I find his hat. Outside. On the street. I don't even want to know.
These are just a few examples. Other mysteries I often encounter, Why will you eat it one day but not the next? Why does the TV have to be on? Why do you have to sleep on top of everything in the bed? Why do you insist on wearing socks but get mad when there are feet on your PJ's? How is it when I put brand new socks on you, at the end of the day only one is covered in dirt?
I am sure if I sit here long enough I will come up with a million more mysteries and I am just getting started. But for now these will do. Feel free to comment on your own.
A perfect example is something I wrote a year and a half ago (thus making my son 1 1/2 yrs at the time)
Nothing changes lifes as often and as well as parenting. You go from being a unique individual with likes, dislikes, a sense of style, a taste for fine cuisine (however you may define it), the ability to sleep in all day. You also can call your heart your own. When you become a parent, that all changes in ways unimaginanble. Your vocabulary even changes. The older your child gets the more you find yourself baffled by the mysteries of life. It used to be the biggest mystery in your life was who would be the next American Idol. Now there are even bigger, stranger mysteries. My son is little still. He's a year and a half and I know I have a lot more to learn. My vocabulary consists of: No, let's go Bye-Bye, Where is your cup?, Turn the TV off, Stay away from Dog food, did you stink?, I love you, Give kisses. I expected these, what I did not realize is that "Why, How? Should I even ask?" Would become a regular part of my vocabulary.
This morning, when I greet my smiling son in the crib. He has on a sweater, stretch pants, socks and sandles. Does anyone care to guess who had him last night? Yes, My husband. When he brought my son to the store to visit me, all he was wearing was a diaper and a t-shirt, yet now he is fully dressed and wearing SOCKS AND SANDLES. when I ask why, my husband simply replied, that he had to have them. This is a great example of Toddlerhood for any new parents. This is a world that your child is the sultan of. Its a big giant game that only your toddler knows the rules of and yes they change all the time. Some days he insists on being fully dressed, somedays he wants the blue shoes, other days the green. Somedays he won't wear any at all.
I get over the whole socks and sandles. Later after I have dropped my son off and come home to grab my insurance card, I find his hat. Outside. On the street. I don't even want to know.
These are just a few examples. Other mysteries I often encounter, Why will you eat it one day but not the next? Why does the TV have to be on? Why do you have to sleep on top of everything in the bed? Why do you insist on wearing socks but get mad when there are feet on your PJ's? How is it when I put brand new socks on you, at the end of the day only one is covered in dirt?
I am sure if I sit here long enough I will come up with a million more mysteries and I am just getting started. But for now these will do. Feel free to comment on your own.
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