I made a choice. It wasn't the easiest choice, and there are days I regret it. When you are a parent your job becomes to put that little life you created first until the time comes when they don't need you. I will never understand those of us who just don't get that. When faced with the toughest decision I've ever made. My Child won hands down.
In September I had open heart surgery. I've known my whole life the surgery would come. I think a part of me knew in summer 2010 that it was getting down to the wire. I started researching the surgery, I started looking at my options. I found a great support board. When the cardiologist said he was referring me to a surgeon I looked at other people's stories. Some people waited a year or two. Some people went in right away.
As I researched the surgery, I also researched anything baby related. You see I was told I wouldn't have children. The Doctors always believed I would have this surgery at a much younger age. What they never told me was that I had the choice.
God gave me six extra years and a beautiful child. My body though told me my time for having children was near an end. If you have ever wanted a child then you will understand. For those who haven't tried, one day you will get it. I was ready for my second child. G was ready. Timing was right.
As I studied the surgery, I also studied conception. I scheduled an appointment to remove my birth control in august. I scheduled it hours after my cardiologist appointment. I just knew that this was my last year before the surgery. I hoped and prayed that it wasn't my last few months.
When the Cardiologist told me I was being referred to Duke, I gave up. I realized that my Valve was past the point of having children. I was shocked to get in so quickly. Sept 2 I was in Duke. When the Surgeon told me to pick a date in the next 6 weeks, My heart nearly stopped. He asked me what type of Valve I wanted.
Well G and I discussed it before hand. I had learned there were two primary types of valves. I won't spare you all the technical stuff, instead I will just say. Mechanical Valves will out live me and require that I take blood thinners the rest of my life. Tissue valves last about 10 years, but only a few months of drugs.
Tissue valve meant I could still have another child, but then I would have to have a second surgery. Although the risks of open heart surgery are pretty minimal, the fears are very real. A second surgery would have increased risks.
What my decision came down to is the Child I already have. Life is unpredictable, but I can do my best to make Life as good for him as I can. I decided that it just wasn't fair to ask my son to have to go through it again. I would rather be around for the child I have now, then to have two beautiful children and take the risks of the second surgery.
So now nine months later. I could be here cradling a new baby. Instead I am here dreaming. I struggle daily with my decision and constantly remind myself I did the best thing for the beautiful five year old I have now.
I hope that one day G and I will be on the same page. There are many options out there for us. But for now I feel infertile. I mourn the loss of the child that never was. I loathe the parents with beautiful children who just won't care for them. Its a bit crazy I know, but slowly the pain becomes tolerable. And one day, I will find what the Lord has in mind for me.